Monday, 20 September 2010

I LOVE my new job rofl



Taking this job (ok, I had NO choice) was a BRILLIANT decision pmsl
It has EVERYTHING you could ask for:
Salary - with overtime, I COULD be looking a five figures this year (pass me the Porsche* lmao)
Work to do - NONE lol - only ONE person has come into the shop since I started. And I told him we were shut lol. He believed me!!!
HONEYS - AMAZING spot for a shop, with a BIG window. I am just staring at honeys walking past ALL DAY. Good timing too - schools are back lol MMMM school uniform lmao
Area Manager - BIT of a cock, but hardly ever visits. We have developed a DEGREE of trust too. He came in the other day and was being all cool, puffing away on one of those weird new new disposable electronic cigarettes, which he CLAIMED he is allowed to do inside since it's not a REAL cigarette - how was I supposed to know this? Anyway, I felt I was PERFECTLY within my rights to throw a mug of tea over this vapour device thingy when he put it down on the table - I did NOT want him burning the place down lol. I digress, aside from this ecigarette diversion, which he TOTALLY understood (me being safe rather than sorry) - he was generally behaving like he ran the place - which I guess he DOES lmao. Anyways, he caught me in the store room watching the Pursuit of Happiness and I was crying (do NOT judge me on this until you've seen the movie). In order to cover my tracks I CLAIMED that I was crying cos I'd just heard that Nan was dead. This was and IS very awkward since I live with my Nan and she drops me off and picks up up every day.
This was a POTENTIAL problem, but last night I snuck out in the night and coloured in Nan's car windows with a sharpie. Now whenever she drops me off in her Audi TT I just say it's my NEW gf lol. They will NEVER find out.
Feel a bit bad, mind, but you never know, she MAY die soon anyway
RIP rofl




*probs not TOP of the range

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

WOW what a difference lol - I HAVE A JOB!!!



I did it!!! I got a job! lol
I had TWO interviews last Monday. First one was with a fireworks company, but I got lost on the way there and then fell asleep in a layby while looking at a map. Anyway, the less said about THAT the better. The SECOND interview I arrived on time for, but it was a D-SASTER. I was VERY well dressed (dusted down some chords, ponytail for the FIRST time etc) but some of the questions the interviewer asked me were IMPOSSIBLE.
eg:
"Tell me about your Film Studies A-Level, Julian (er, lol, I didn't do Film Studies A-Level, I was fibbing!!!)
"How do you work under pressure, Julian?" (LMAO, how the FUCK would I know???)
"What's the most challenging thing you've ever done?" (ROFL put 75 peanuts in my foreskin for a bet)

So as you can see, WHAT a nightmare. But still, in SPITE of panicking and coming clean about the peanuts, and EVEN THOUGH I got caught looking down my interviewer's top TWICE (she was NOT BAD lol) I STILL got the job!!!! I am a VERY happy man.
To be honest, I THOUGHT she was just calling to ask for the copy of March of the Penguins back that I'd borrowed on my way out, but no...she hadn't noticed lol...she offered me a BRILLIANT job as check-out/popcorn maker (chef skills made the difference for SURE).

I have been celebrating ALL weekend lol

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

Julian Meteor V Calum Best Pulling Comp



FORGET David Haye v Audley Harrison, I have arranged a FAR bigger showdown.
I was chatting to a VERY well-known ladies' man on twitter, to cut a long story short we went from discussing him being my wingman, to him agreeing to come down to Plymouth on 6th December (TBC) to take me on on MY patch - good luck, I'm unbeaten lmao!!!
So, here are the details...(DISCREET) spectators welcome:

What: Pulling Competition between Julian Meteor and Calum Best
Prize: UK Pulling Champion Belt OR a go on Lyndsay Lohan
WHEN: 6th December 2010 from 8pm
Where: Zeroes Nightclub, Plymouth
How does the points system work:
1 point for snog (MUST inc tongues - CCTV WILL be available for the judges)
2 points for booby grope DURING snog (easy lol)
3 points for third base
4 points EVERYTHING BUT (needs one witness if it's Calum IN CASE he lies)
5 points HOME RUN!!!!!

What if Calum doesn't show? Unlikely, but if so, Julian Meteor is crowned UK Pulling Champ.

LET'S GET READY TO FUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Softball


I MUST admit, I've become a bit desperate to fit in here in London. So much so that I am STRONGLY considering going home, tail between legs, to sunny Plymouth.
I had ONE final go at trying to make some MEANINGFUL friendships by joining up with a softball team. I EXPECTED to be welcomed with open arms, but I was TOTALLY mistaken.


Date: 1 Aug 2010 04:45:49 -0700
From: newplayers.*****@googlemail.com
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol
Subject: New Member Alert lol


Hi Jamie,

Rumour has it (lol) that you organise softball teams and training!!!!!
COUNT ME IN !!!!

A few questions for you:

1. Is it MIXED? (I have a BIT of a reputation with the ladies, so WATCH OUT lol)
2. Beers after????!!!!!!!!! (I have a BIT of a reputation for being a MASSIVE drinker)
3. Is the kit free? (I don't want to pay for it)
4. Can I choose which team I join? Maybe play for each team once?

A FAST response would be helpful, as I have a few meetings today,

JM


Date: Mon, 1 Aug 2010 04:45:49 -0700
From: newplayers.*****@googlemail.com
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: I'm away... Re: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol


Hi, I am away on holiday until 16th August. I will get back to
you after then.

Thanks


RE: I'm away... Re: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol‏
From: Julian Meteor (julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent: 01 Aug 2010 19:54:07
To: Jamie Redman (newplayers.*****@googlemail.com)


Anywhere nice?


RE: I'm away... RE: I'm away... Re: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol‏
From: Julian Meteor (julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent: 17 Aug 2010 21:09:27
To: Jamie Redman (newplayers.*****@googlemail.com)


FFS it's the 17th


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 17 Aug 2008 14:49:49 +0100
From: newplayers.*****@googlemail.com
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Re: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol


Julian

Unfortunately I was delayed getting back and have not had access to email.

I would say I play a part in the organisation...to answer your questions:

1. Yes it's mixed
2. Beers after if you want and others are keen. It's up to whoever is there
3. Balls and bats are supplied. If you go to the development sessions you should get a glove to us. If you end up playing you'll need to buy your own at some stage I would imagine.
4. For our league we do the following: we run development nights once a week on Mondays which you can go to to learn and practice. You have to pay £3 for these and they are in Regent's Park. The idea is that people who go to developments nights in any year form a team which is entered into a league the following year. We are now well into the season so you are too late to join a team in 2010 as teams are full and I don't know any requiring players. I can put you on a list for 2011 when you will get a list of teams looking for players. It is however up to you to make contact and try out for whichever team is looking that you want to play for.

Lastly just to say that this is organised by people who do it all in addition to their day jobs. It's voluntary so your patience at times would be appreciated.

Please let me know if you have any more queries.

Thanks


Date: 17 Aug 2010 15:45:49 -0700
From: newplayers.*****@googlemail.com
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Re: New Member Alert lol


Great - thanks Jamie. First, I do have patience but 10 days is taking the piss somewhat.

Also, it seems like it's a bit of a clique. I emailed you (IN GOOD FAITH) AGES ago to enquire about playing. Now you have come back saying that I MAY be able to play in 2011(two thousand and fucking ELEVEN!!) IF I am selected. This does NOT sound like the sort of organisation I need to be involved with. Total cunts.

That said, see you next Monday in Regents Park and you can TRY to change my mind.

Kind regards,

Julian

PS - any of the birds single?



Date: 18 Aug 2010 15:12:54 +0100
From: newplayers.****@googlemail.com
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Re: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol


Julian

If that is your attitude do not come along as you will not be welcome.

As I indicated to you I have been away on holiday, delayed and not able to check my email.

I can go into how the league is run in depth but I won't bother at this stage. Suffice to say all teams are independent and we cannot force teams to take on players - they can only take players if they have space. Our development nights are aimed at getting people new to the sport interested and playing once a week. They then form a team the next year. Our role is to co-ordinate the teams to enable them to play in a league against each other.

Our games start in May - you are 3 months late.


Date: 23 Aug 2010 04:45:49 -0700
From: newplayers.****@googlemail.com
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: I'm away... Re: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol


Hi, I am away on until the 24rd August. I will get back to
you after then.

Thanks


From: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
To: newplayers.glsml@googlemail.com
Subject: RE: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol
Date: 23 Aug 2010 15:39:25 +0000


Go anywhere nice?


RE: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol‏
From: Julian Meteor (julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk)
Sent: 24 August 2010 00:09:59
To: Jamie Redman (newplayers.****@googlemail.com)


HELLO? I sent this YESTERDAY. WHAT excuse are you going to come up with THIS time?


Re: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol‏
From: Jamie Redman(newplayers.*****@googlemail.com)
Sent: 24 August 2010 16:13:29
To: Julian Meteor (julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk)


This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Delivery to the following recipients permanently failed.

newplayers.*****@googlemail.com




Final-Recipient: rfc822;newplayers.glsml@googlemail.co.uk
Action: fBLOCKED
Status: 5.1.1

*******************************************************************
After this VERY unreasonable behaviour, I asked Spencer to enquire to find out if it was just that he had a problem with me.


Date: 25 Aug 2010 04:45:49 -0700
From: newplayers.*****@googlemail.com
To: spencerfairbrother@live.co.uk
Subject: Softball - NEW MEMBER ALERT lol
Subject: New Member Alert lol


Hi Jamie,

I am new to London and I understand you are the man when it comes to softball. I have a few questions - I hope you can find some time to respond:

1. Is the softball mixed?
2. Are there beers after if I want and others are keen? Or would this be up to whoever is there?
3. Are balls and bats are supplied? If I go to the development sessions, will you provide a glove? If I end up playing will I need to buy my own at some stage?
4. Do you run your development nights once a week on Mondays? Can I go to these to learn and practice? Are the sessions £3? Are they in Regent's Park?
5. Are you now well into the season? Am I too late to join a team in 2010? If so, can you put me on a list for 2010? Is it up to me to make contact and try out for whichever team is looking that I want to play for?

I guess that all this is organised by people who do it all in addition to their day jobs. I will therefore be patient, at times.

Thanks in advance,

Spencer

*********************** No Reply *****************************************

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Saving Money




----------------
From: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
To: danthorpe939@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Personal training, lol
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2010 14:43:35 +0000

Hi Dan,

I picked up your card like AGES ago in the gym but NEVER got round to email you. TOO nervous lol. Anyway, decided to take the plunge and get some training going.

How much do you charge and are you flexible about location.

I live in North London but CAN travel, VWE etc

Please let me know; either way

Julian (a bit pissed!!! lol)


----------------
From: danthorpe939@hotmail.co.uk
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Personal training, lol
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2010 16:29:01 +0100

Hi Julian,


No worries, it is friday and i guess your allowed a drink!! Yes i do travel and costs are as follows:


At the Fenchurch Street Gym: Single session £45 per hour or a block booking (10 sessions) for £400


Home or Park training: Single session £50 per hour or a block booking (10 sessions) for £450.


When would you like to get started?


Kind regards


Dan


----------------
From: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
To: danthorpe939@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Personal training, lol
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2010 16:40:03 +0000

Hi Dave,

This sounds VERY reasonable.

Just one thing: I had a PT last year but to be honest it really pissed me off that he wasn't in shape himself. He was all flabby; like me lol
Where do you stand on this? It's a bit like having a cleaner whose house is a TIP lmao
Do you have a photo or are you on facebook? I know this sounds a bit gay (I am NOT gay btw) but can I see

No hurry if you need a week or so to chisel up etc

Let me know; either way,

Julian



----------------
From: danthorpe939@hotmail.co.uk
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Personal training, lol
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2010 17:04:39 +0100

Julian,


Well i'm based at Fenchurch Street, did you not see me there or pick my card up from the gym? I do practise what I preach if that answers your question.


Dan


-----Original Message-----
From: Julian Meteor
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2010 17:13:26
To:
Subject: RE: Personal training, lol

Look buster just send me a photo or I'll find someone else

Been burnt before by a trainer who had me drinking fucking milkshakes after my workouts. TOTAL waste of money that was.

Julian


----------------
From: danthorpe939@hotmail.co.uk
To: julianmeteor2@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Personal training, lol
Date: Fri, 6 Aug 2010 17:24:39 +0100


Find someone else you mug
------------------

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

GCSE RESULTS NIGHT!!!!



GCSE results night just has to be THE best night of the year LOL!!! Of course you CAN get in trouble for having a YOUNG taste in honeys lmao, and it HAS cost me a job in the past, but I am NOW unemployed so I do NOT care.

I went to that old favourite The Quay Club (Plymouth's BEST club for YOUNG HONEYS LOL) and I CLEANED UP LMAO
I started out playing some tit cricket, but it got a bit boring as I was out on my own, so THEN I got serious.
For those of you not too sure what to do on results night, it's a simple process, just walk round asking EVERY girl what grades she got, then when she tells you what she got, just say "OMG that's A.MAZING lol", then go for
1. Hug
2. Kiss
3. Tongues
4. (if they APPEAR drunk enough) grope

I got SIX snogs this way!!!!!
LMEEEOWWWWW!!!!
I was proper going for it cos I realise that my days of doing this are numbered. I mean, at 35 I've only REALISTICALLY got four more years of capitalising on GCSE results to get snogs. It would be a BIT sad to be doing this at 40 me thinks LOL