Monday, 15 December 2008

No sex this weekend (WTF!?) lol

This London move has NOT got off on the right foot.
I'm staying with my uncle in a north London suburb called Milton Keynes and I am NOT impressed.
It is crud. I KNOW the pavements aren't lined with gold as they say, but I expected MORE lights and stuff. I thought EVERYTHING would have an advert on like Picadilly Circus. Is Picadilly Circus a real place? I have seen it on google images but I walked for HOURS on Saturday afternoon and could NOT find it. All I saw were roundabouts. Flippin loads of them.
Coupled with this, for the FIRST time this year I got NO sex on the weekend. Not even a PASH from my Saturday night out.
I watched X Factor at home and the result SHOULD have been a sign that it was NOT going to be a good night (Hello? JLS - best Non-metal band since the Beatles... CLEARLY. Iss the British public STUPID?), put on my BEST satin shirt (red, shiny, a TOTAL magnet, as proved by its 95% wear:SEX ratio) I ended up in a nightclub called Oceana and got LOADS of odd looks for being on my own (solo SEX missions are more accepted in Plymouth, clearly).
I do NOT want to talk ANY more about the night and I HOPE my 2.50AM LTD (last throw of the dice) was not caught on CCTV. It was PLAGUED with bad luck.
Back home, every now and then I need to use LTD tactics and they NEVER fail.
The theory is that at 2.50am (if we are working to the usual 3am closure of a nightclub) EVERYONE is smashed, so you need to proposition as MANY honeys as possible to avoid the EMBARRASMENT of leaving on yur own. (At Zeroes the bouncers kick you BACK IN if you try to leave alone ROFL).
The way to do this is to eliminate those with boyfriends first - you do NOT want to be spending VALUABLE time convincing people in relationships that YOU are the better bet. It is UNethical (and more importantly it takes 11 minutes on average!!!!!! LOL) - so you go up to everyone and just enquire (POLITELY) - "Are you single?".
In fact, I've eliminated the "Are you" from that question to save even MORE time. If possible, you ALSO pinch their bum or honk a boob (with car noise if they LOOK like they have a sense of humour) at the same time.
Trouble is, for SOME reason my LTD tactics ended with me being thrown out JUST as I was about to hit the jackpot (well, at THAT size I DOUBT she would have had the gaul to turn ME down). I HATE jealous bouncers.

I have been warned that MK is NOT the heartbeat of London so I am looking to move ASAP. Anyone got a room more centrally?

Let me know; either way...


Randy Bumgardner said...

You can stay at my place. Its on the Edgware Road. Just knock on the door and ask if they are me.

Anonymous said...

Lucky you mate - just in time to use Crisis at Christmas! I didn't know Milton Keynes was a real place, thought it was jsut a land of roundabouts!

(and no idea where your first comment went!)


Julian Meteor said...

Randy - you sound like an EXCELLENT potential wingman!!!!!!!